'My angry husband goes off at the slightest thing - I walk on eggshells around him'

Dear Coleen,

My husband is full of rage and, the way things are going, I’m not sure there’s an alternative but to divorce him. He’s not physically violent, thank goodness, but he’s verbally aggressive and the slightest thing sets him off.

It’s rarely directed at me or anyone in the family; the way it comes out is in road rage or he’ll have a go at neighbours for parking in an awkward spot or leaving their bins in the wrong place.

He also gets mad at shop assistants if they take too long, or waiters, bank clerks and so on.

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He’s like a bear with a sore head and I find myself walking on eggshells around him and I now dread going anywhere with him in case something or someone sets him off.

He’s always been a bit inclined to unreasonable rage, but the problem has definitely become worse as he’s got older, but I’ve been putting off having a big conversation with him in case he blows a fuse.

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It’s not just me; I’ve noticed that other people avoid him and therefore avoid us, so it’s affected our social life. Who wants to go for dinner with an angry man who shouts at staff if his steak is undercooked? I’d appreciate anything you can suggest that might help.

Coleen says,

Well, I think we do become more set in our ways with age and possibly less willing to put up with things. I think for a lot of people it manifests in not sweating the small stuff and being able to react more calmly and remove yourself from situations or people that annoy you. Not so for your husband.

There’s always something else behind anger – fear or anxiety – so I think it’s worth your husband trying to understand why he’s so triggered all the time. I do think you need to have that conversation and explain that you don’t want to live on the edge all the time, and that his anger has become an issue that you’re not willing to accept unless he starts taking steps to address it.

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But also, try to get him to see that feeling the way he does isn’t good for him either in terms of his physical and mental health.

It can’t be nice for him to feel on edge all the time. And help him to see how it’s affecting his relationships with family and his friendships too.

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You could do some research and find out what’s available locally in terms of counselling and anger management or cognitive behavioural therapy, as well as online resources but, ultimately, it’s his problem that he needs to figure out.

You can show him how he can be helped, but he needs to be willing to accept it. If he doesn’t take you seriously, then you have a choice to make about what’s best for you.

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